How to touch a soft penis
- In Massage

Feeling confident when your partner has ED
A lot of pressure is put on the penis to perform in a certain way during sex. The belief that it should be instantly and continuously hard (until it ejaculates and then ‘sex is over’) is a harmful myth perpetuated by porn, and a lack of emotionally intelligent sex education for most of us. This often means that a soft penis causes a lot of distress and anxiety to the owner of the penis, and to their partner. A soft cock can be seen as an insult – ‘you don’t find me attractive’ / ‘I’m doing something wrong’ etc. Sure, it’s frustrating when the tyranny of hydraulics interrupts your enjoyment of sex but erectile issues are most often linked to stress, fatigue, or underlying health concerns (not lack of attraction to their partner). Erectile dysfunction is much more common than people think, and many men will put off addressing it because of the embarrassment, insecurity and fear. Knowing how to touch a soft penis is easier if you understand the mechanics of arousal, and knowing how to help your partner with ED can take the pressure off and reduce his anxiety around sex. Finding ways to enjoy sex when he can’t get hard is about learning to explore the joy of a soft cock – this can also open up a completely different way of experiencing pleasure and connection with each other. A lot of my clients have expressed insecurity about what to do with their partner’s penis if it’s not hard, or how to make a man feel good without penetration, so let’s explore the options.
When to talk to your partner about erectile issues
If you notice that your partner has been struggling to get or maintain an erection, or if he’s been avoiding intimacy for that reason, one of the best things you can do is have a loving and open conversation about it. Of course this could feel awkward or emotionally charged, but approaching the topic with care, curiosity, and compassion can make a world of difference. Timing is everything – choose a calm, private moment when you’re both relaxed and unlikely to be interrupted. Avoid bringing it up during or immediately after intimacy, when emotions might be heightened. Instead, gently express what you’ve noticed and how you feel, without assigning blame or pressure. You might say something like, ‘I’ve noticed we haven’t been as close lately, and I just want to check in with how you’re feeling’. This opens the door for him to share, while reassuring him that your intention is connection, not criticism. If he’s open to it, you can explore solutions together, whether that’s talking to a doctor, making lifestyle changes, or simply focusing on intimacy in ways that don’t revolve around an erection. Your support can be a powerful source of reassurance, helping him feel safe and understood as you navigate this together.
Why is this penis soft, not hard?
There can be many different factors that contribute to erectile dysfunction, I always suggest speaking to your medical practitioner to rule out things like prostate issues, diabetes, high blood pressure or other vascular issues. If there is no major physiological problem then the 5 main issues that it’s worth considering are:
Sexual performance anxiety
Many women would be surprised to learn just how deeply sexual anxiety affects men. It can be debilitating – and the problem is that most men don’t talk about it. If his penis is soft it’s very likely that he is nervous, in his head, and stressing about past negative experiences or skipping ahead and worrying what will happen next and whether he’ll satisfy or not. This feedback loop is fed by the unrealistic portrayals of sex in porn, the limited mainstream narrative around what ‘good’ sex is, and the complete absence of any focus on pleasure and consensual exploration in our childhood and adolescent sex education. These issues often need to be dealt with through some form of therapy, but you can play your part by co-creating a non-judgmental space where emotional intimacy is prioritised over sexual performance.
Medications
There are countless prescription medications that can have a negative impact on a man’s cock. Antidepressants, blood pressure medications and anti-anxiety meds can all affect blood pressure, blood flow and libido. For many men this presents a challenging situation: take the necessary meds to deal with the health issues but face the side effects of an uncooperative penis.



Medications, alcohol and surgeries can all have an impact on erections
Previous surgeries
If your guy has had any kind of abdominal or pelvic surgery (e.g. for a hernia, related to Crohn’s, due to prostate issues, appendectomy, for Peyronies or to address kidney, digestive or even heart issues) this could be having an impact on his erections. Surgery in this area can affect the nerves and blood supply that are critical for erections. The impact of scar tissue long after the actual surgery can also have an impact.
Alcohol
You might notice a pattern that your partner’s cock stays soft when he’s had a bit too much to drink. This is often referred to as ’brewer’s droop’. I hear from so many guys that they need a few drinks to relax and ease the performance anxiety nerves when on a date. While a small amount of alcohol might lower inhibitions and increase desire, too much can interfere with the brain’s ability to send signals to the penis. It can also reduce blood flow (essential for erections), numb your sensations and lower testosterone levels over time.
He's just not relaxed or ready yet
Contrary to what porn suggests, most men don’t get hard at the drop of a hat. It takes time to switch into the parasympathetic nervous system state. The initial pursuit of sexual connection is driven by the sympathetic branch of the nervous system (think ‘activated’, energised, excited). The actual physiological state of sexual arousal (i.e. a strong and long-lasting erection) is driven primarily by the parasympathetic branch (think relaxed, calm, at ease – this is why guys get ‘morning wood’). If he’s not getting hard it’s likely that his sympathetic arousal is too high (i.e. he is stuck in the ‘fight or flight’ state and cannot effectively calm his nervous system). Generally, orgasm and ejaculation is sympathetic driven (the heart rate speeds up, breathing increases, muscles spasm or contract etc) and then post-orgasm, the parasympathetic branch kicks back in. Understanding what happens in his body when the sympathetic branch is activated and knowing how to help him ‘down-regulate’ will make a switch to the parasympathetic state more likely.
What not to do with a soft cock
These are some helpful tips I’ve picked up along the way whilst working with thousands of male clients over the years.
- Don’t over focus on it: sometimes the more you try and enthusiastically pump that thing, the more self-conscious your partner will become. Put your attention and touch on his whole body – generating sensation everywhere will pull him away from his head/thoughts and encourage a sense of full-body relaxation.
- Don’t take it personally: 99.9% of the time it’s nothing to do with how he feels about you.
- Don’t touch it timidly: your uncertainty or fear will often perpetuate the issue. The number one complaint I hear from men about the way women touch their genitals is that they’re not firm enough. Use some oil or lube and massage his pelvis and genitals with as much pressure as you’d use for his shoulders, his back or any other muscles.
- Don’t be in a rush: if you’re in a hurry and placing a lot of expectation or pressure on him (even subconsciously) neither of you are going to get anywhere. Slow down by about 50% and give his body time to relax.
How to enjoy and touch a soft penis
There is a lot of joy, and pleasure, to be had with a soft cock. There are ways you can touch the cock when it’s soft that aren’t possible when he’s erect. Think about it in terms of massaging other areas of his body: if he were constantly tensing his biceps you wouldn’t really be able to massage them effectively. For some specific massage techniques I recommend checking out my online course in genital massage.
Use the number one Tantric principle: no goal
There are lots of different sensations to experience when you let go of the goal of a hard-on. When I’m giving intimate massage I genuinely have no agenda, it doesn’t matter to me if his cock is hard or not. His body feels that and he can relax. Set some restrictions on your intimacy – agree that, actually, penetration isn’t allowed today and you’re going to just focus on touch. It’s a natural phenomena that when he stops thinking about what his cock is or isn’t doing, it will do what it needs to do.
Focus on full-body relaxation and touch that is varied in texture
The more you can bring his attention to sensation in his body, relax his nervous system and encourage blood flow the more likely he will be to end up with an erection as a by-product. This means using different types of touch – it’s like painting with colour rather than in black and white. Play with light touch, firm touch, smooth, sharp, tickly, wet etc. Spend some time exploring the genitals and then regularly spread that touch and attention out through his torso, up into his chest and down through his thighs. Encourage him to breathe deeply, allowing the exhale to be longer than the inhale (a simple trick to shift into the parasympathetic state).
Enjoy outercourse
Penetration is not the be-all-and-end-all of sex. A lot of pleasure can be had from grinding and ‘energetic sex’, or using lots of oil or lube and gliding or sliding your genitals against each other. When you expand the routine outwards from the goal of penetration and involve your whole bodies you increase your levels of oxytocin and serotonin, both of which contribute to a more relaxed nervous system and deeper sense of connection.
Learning more about how to touch a soft penis
If this article has sparked your curiosity and you want to learn some specific touch techniques for male genitals, to increase your repertoire and build confidence, then I suggest joining my online course ‘Massage for Intimacy’. You can also book a couples massage coaching session in Brighton, London, Stockholm or internationally wherever you are – just drop me an email and say hi!
With Love,
Libby
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