03 Oct

5 common massage mistakes and how to avoid them

Are you worried about giving a bad massage?

Giving your partner, your friend or your family member a massage is a wonderful thing to do! Massage has lots of benefits for the body and mind – both for the receiver and the giver. A simple at-home massage can reduce muscle tension, promote full-body relaxation or be a delicious form of foreplay. However, even experienced massage practitioners can occasionally make mistakes that put their receiver off ever having a massage again, that reduce the impact and effectiveness of the experience or – in some cases – cause discomfort or unwanted pain. If you want to get better at giving massage at home, it’s essential to understand these common mistakes and how to avoid them. Trust me, I’ve made these massage mistakes myself in my decade+ career as a bodyworker, and I’ve seen them all (and more) made in my massage coaching sessions. In this article I’ll outline the five most common errors, and give you some simple ways to correct them. There’s also a bonus one in there at the end for the person receiving the massage – yes it’s possible to get better at receiving!

1. Not taking care of your own body

PROBLEM: When giving massage at home, many people go into a ‘pleaser’ role where they are trying so hard to make their partner feel good that they completely forget to keep their own body relaxed and comfortable. This is a fundamental mistake for a few reasons:

  1. Any tension and discomfort in your body will be felt by your receiver, meaning they won’t be able to completely relax.
  2. If you’re uncomfortable you won’t be able to give massage for very long, which will lead to a less than satisfying experience for your receiver.
  3. Tension and poor posture lead to fatigue and injuries. Over time this will likely mean you’re less inclined to be in the giving role, which is a shame!
  4. A bad body position will mean you are probably using more muscular strength than you need to. A smart massage therapist knows that it’s much more effective (and efficient) to use leverage and body weight.

SOLUTION: When you begin giving a massage, obviously make sure that your receiver is comfortable but also take time to consider your own body. For example, when I am giving my partner a head and neck massage at home I have them lying on the floor on their back (so that their neck is not supporting the weight of their head). Then I make sure that I have some back support in the form of cushions or a meditation chair, so I can sit above their head and maintain a relaxed belly and pain-free back. Regularly check in with your own body and make adjustments in your position or set up, to ensure you’re relaxed and can breathe deeply. I like to apply the 80:20 rule – 80% awareness in your partner’s body and what you’re doing, 20% awareness in your own body. If your partner wants deeper pressure, keep your arms straight and apply bodyweight pressure (rather than having your arms bent and using grip strength). I also find that regularly practicing yoga, Pilates and other forms of strength building exercise helps support your body during long massage sessions. Giving massage is a physical exertion after all, so take care of your physical body ❤️

5 common massage mistakes
Image taken from my online course 'Introduction to Massage'

2. Getting stuck in a routine

PROBLEM: Another common mistake is assuming that every body needs the same type of massage, or just focusing on the areas that you think need attention or you’re most experienced in touching. This usually means that your massages become a bit boring after a while, or they don’t actually ‘hit the spot’. If you play it safe and just do what you always do it’ll perhaps be ‘nice’, but it won’t be ‘amazing’. Again, even professional massage therapists do this (especially when first starting out): they perform the routine they learned in their course…5 minutes on each leg, 15 minutes on the back, turn over, 10 minutes on the arms etc. It’s like going through a generic car wash rather than a private valet service.

SOLUTION: Sticking to a routine is safe, and a lot of people simply get stuck because they don’t know what else to do – they lack creativity or inspiration. One simple solution is to ask your partner what kind of touch they’d like and where. You might be surprised by what they tell you – it might be the total opposite of what you would mechanically do. In my online course ‘Introduction to Massage‘ we take a whole lesson to cover communication and boundaries. This is an essential part of giving a great massage. Another simple solution is to watch massage videos, take a course or have a coaching session. You’ll get lots of ideas and inspiration to add to your ‘toolkit’. The more options you have in the bag, the more bespoke your massage can be. 

3. Using too much pressure too soon

PROBLEM: I often see beginner massage enthusiasts wanting to wham as much pressure as possible into their partner’s back right out of the gate. Perhaps these individuals just have more of a sadistic streak in them, or (more likely) they’re labouring under the false idea that ‘harder is better’. Deep tissue massage techniques can be really effective, and might be exactly what your partner has asked for, but you need to build up to them. The muscles and fascia (the connective tissue between and around muscles) need time to warm up and become more pliable. If their nervous system is not relaxed the strong pressure techniques will cause a ‘defence’ reaction rather than a healing and rejuvenating reaction. Your partner is more likely to be in pain during the massage and bruised afterwards.

SOLUTION: The first part of your massage should focus on down-regulating their nervous system and the initial muscle relaxation that happens as a result. So, I always begin a massage with stillness – this is the first technique we practice on every area of the body we cover in my online course ‘Introduction to Massage‘. Even if your partner has specified they want you to ‘get your elbows in’ somewhere, you should always begin with lighter, more flowing strokes in that area. This increases blood flow to the muscles and prepares them for the more intense work. Never be in a hurry, allow yourself to slow down. Gradually increase the pressure or intensity of your touch. Your partner’s body will benefit and the massage will be a lot more effective.

4. Only using the hands

PROBLEM: The beginner masseuse will often limit themselves to only using their hands, this is a mistake for a few reasons:

  1. Fatigue and strain will set in: the hands and fingers are operated by relatively small muscles and they can tire quickly, leading to discomfort or even injury.
  2. Less variety in sensations: it’s like painting in black and white instead of colour. The hands can generate lots of different textures and types of touch but if you cut off contact above the wrists you’re denying your receiver a host of other delicious sensations. This is particularly true for stronger trigger points, which are much easier if you use the elbows or even knees.
  3. Limited strength: it’s much easier to apply more pressure if you’re using body weight rather than the muscular strength of your hands. If your partner is bigger than you you’ll struggle to really give them a deep massage if you only use your hands.

SOLUTION: Only using the hands is safe and predictable – most people do it because they lack knowledge or creativity in using other parts of their body. One basic way to go beyond the hands is to extend to the forearms. Incorporating the space from your wrist to your elbow in your massage will create more skin-to-skin contact and help you use more pressure. In my online course ‘Introduction to Massage‘ there are simple suggestions (like the one in the picture above) to help you feel confident using other parts of your body. Don’t be afraid to be creative during a massage, experiment and try things out. Using more of your body is also a great way to make a massage more intimate and sensual if you’re with your romantic partner.

5. Moving too fast

PROBLEM: This is something I see a lot in my couples massage coaching sessions. It’s usually driven by performance anxiety or the giver focussing on a specific outcome (e.g. being a bit needy and greedy and wanting to escalate things to something more sexual). It also happens in more platonic settings though: we’re all in such a hurry! We often connect from a slightly ‘wired’ state, rather than giving time to slow down first. When we touch too quickly the receiver’s nervous system doesn’t get a signal to relax and their muscles stay in a slightly activated state. When your touch is superficial and speedy you will miss things – both in what you can feel with your hands, and in the subtle responses of your partner’s body. If the goal of a massage is to leave your partner feeling relaxed and calm, then 

SOLUTION: A good mantra for massage is ‘50% slower’ – especially at the start of your session. It’s really much slower than you think. Focus on moving your touch in time with your breath, and keeping your breath slow. I explain this in more detail in my online course ‘Introduction to Massage‘ but it’s an extremely simple ‘hack’ to drastically improve the quality of your massage delivery. Include moments of stillness in your massage; this gives your partner time to adjust and get even more comfortable and will make the whole experience more deeply connected for you both.   

6. Bonus: the receiver's mistake

PROBLEM: The number one mistake that everyone makes (myself included) when receiving massage is that we don’t communicate our preferences and boundaries. We go into enduring. Many people are hesitant to speak up if the pressure is too much, or too little; if they’re not really on the right spot; or if it just isn’t the area of our body that needs attention. We tell ourselves that the person giving the massage ‘knows best’ or that we should just ‘wait it out’. We don’t communicate what we actually want to receive for fear of seeming ‘fussy’ or ‘demanding’ – or we simply don’t know what we want and it’s easier to just let someone else decide. This isn’t an experience where you are ‘receiving’ – this is an experience where someone is doing stuff to you and hoping that it’s the right stuff. The problem is that can lead to an unsatisfactory experience – for you and the giver. The worst case scenario here is that you don’t communicate your boundaries, the other unknowingly goes over them, you don’t speak up and you feel violated. The giver has no idea – they’re not a mind-reader. 

SOLUTION: As I mentioned in point 2, having a discussion about your preferences and boundaries before you begin massage is essential. It can be as simple as telling them the areas you do want to be touched, and the areas you don’t want to be touched. If you can’t find the words try demonstrating the touch you want on your own body so that your partner can see. During your massage, don’t compromise, let your partner know if something doesn’t feel good. If you want to learn how to give feedback in a calm and clear way there’s a whole lesson devoted to it in my online course ‘Introduction to Massage‘. Usually your partner will be grateful for the input as it helps them to improve and understand what you like and don’t like. In the long run this will mean more relaxation, and better massages in the future!

Keep calm and massage on!

Giving a massage at home doesn’t require professional training, but avoiding these common mistakes will help you provide a more effective, relaxing, and enjoyable experience. By considering these problems and solutions you’ll be well on your way to mastering the art of home massage.

If you’re interested in learning more, my ‘Introduction to Massage‘ course will guide you through simple techniques for six key areas of the body. It’s perfect for anyone who wants to enhance their skills and feel more confident with giving massages at home.

See you soon!

Libby

Hi, I’m Libby... I'm a masseuse, a sex coach and embodiment coach. My focus is on helping you to feel more: both physically and emotionally. I work with clients who have specific issues around their relationship to sex, arousal, body image and pleasure. I also work with people who want to explore and expand their capacity for pleasure, or who just enjoy the luxury and intimacy of full body massage. I came to this work after a decade or so spent (variously) as a personal trainer, sports masseuse, pole dancer, musician and events manager. I've studied & trained in Somatic Sex Education, The Wheel of Consent, TRE and Tantric Bodywork (amongst other things). I blend my knowledge and experience of the physical body with my desire to create a healthier understanding in the world of sex, sexuality, boundaries, emotional communication, arousal and pleasure. You can read more about me and my qualifications on the 'About Me' page of the website.

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